PRoblem Read online

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  PRoblem

  by Alan E. Nourse

  The letter came down the slot too early that morning to be the regularmail run. Pete Greenwood eyed the New Philly photocancel with a dreadfulpremonition. The letter said:

  PETER: Can you come East chop-chop, urgent? Grdznth problem getting to be a PRoblem, need expert icebox salesman to get gators out of hair fast. Yes? Math boys hot on this, citizens not so hot. Please come. TOMMY

  Pete tossed the letter down the gulper with a sigh. He had lost a bet tohimself because it had come three days later than he expected, but ithad come all the same, just as it always did when Tommy Heinz gothimself into a hole.

  Not that he didn't like Tommy. Tommy was a good PR-man, as PR-men go. Hejust didn't know his own depth. PRoblem in a beady Grdznth eye! WhatTommy needed right now was a Bazooka Battalion, not a PR-man. Petesettled back in the Eastbound Rocketjet with a sigh of resignation.

  He was just dozing off when the fat lady up the aisle let out a scream.A huge reptilian head had materialized out of nowhere and was hanging inair, peering about uncertainly. A scaly green body followed, four feetaway, complete with long razor talons, heavy hind legs, and a whiplashtail with a needle at the end. For a moment the creature floated upsidedown, legs thrashing. Then the head and body joined, executed ahorizontal pirouette, and settled gently to the floor like an eight-footcircus balloon.

  Two rows down a small boy let out a muffled howl and tried to buryhimself in his mother's coat collar. An indignant wail arose from thefat lady. Someone behind Pete groaned aloud and quickly retired behind anewspaper.

  The creature coughed apologetically. "Terribly sorry," he said in acoarse rumble. "So difficult to control, you know. Terribly sorry...."His voice trailed off as he lumbered down the aisle toward the emptyseat next to Pete.

  The fat lady gasped, and an angry murmur ran up and down the cabin. "Sitdown," Pete said to the creature. "Relax. Cheerful reception these days,eh?"

  "You don't mind?" said the creature.

  "Not at all." Pete tossed his briefcase on the floor. At a distance thehuge beast had looked like a nightmare combination of large alligatorand small tyrannosaurus. Now, at close range Pete could see that the"scales" were actually tiny wrinkles of satiny green fur. He knew, ofcourse, that the Grdznth were mammals--"docile, peace-loving mammals,"Tommy's PR-blasts had declared emphatically--but with one of themsitting about a foot away Pete had to fight down a wave of horror andrevulsion.

  The creature was most incredibly ugly. Great yellow pouches hung downbelow flat reptilian eyes, and a double row of long curved teethglittered sharply. In spite of himself Pete gripped the seat as theGrdznth breathed at him wetly through damp nostrils.

  "Misgauged?" said Pete.

  The Grdznth nodded sadly. "It's horrible of me, but I just can't helpit. I _always_ misgauge. Last time it was the chancel of St. John'sCathedral. I nearly stampeded morning prayer--" He paused to catch hisbreath. "What an effort. The energy barrier, you know. Frightfully hardto make the jump." He broke off sharply, staring out the window. "Dearme! Are we going _east_?"

  "I'm afraid so, friend."

  "Oh, dear. I wanted _Florida_."

  "Well, you seem to have drifted through into the wrong airplane," saidPete. "Why Florida?"

  The Grdznth looked at him reproachfully. "The Wives, of course. Theclimate is so much better, and they mustn't be disturbed, you know."

  "Of course," said Pete. "In their condition. I'd forgotten."

  "And I'm told that things have been somewhat unpleasant in the East justnow," said the Grdznth.

  Pete thought of Tommy, red-faced and frantic, beating off hordes ofindignant citizens. "So I hear," he said. "How many more of you arecoming through?"

  "Oh, not many, not many at all. Only the Wives--half a million orso--and their spouses, of course." The creature clicked his talonsnervously. "We haven't much more time, you know. Only a few more weeks,a few months at the most. If we couldn't have stopped over here, I justdon't know _what_ we'd have done."

  "Think nothing of it," said Pete indulgently. "It's been great havingyou."

  The passengers within earshot stiffened, glaring at Pete. The fat ladywas whispering indignantly to her seat companion. Junior had halfemerged from his mother's collar; he was busy sticking out his tongue atthe Grdznth.

  The creature shifted uneasily. "Really, I think--perhaps Florida wouldbe better."

  "Going to try it again right now? Don't rush off," said Pete.

  "Oh, I don't mean to rush. It's been lovely, but--" Already the Grdznthwas beginning to fade out.

  "Try four miles down and a thousand miles southeast," said Pete.

  The creature gave him a toothy smile, nodded once, and grew moreindistinct. In another five seconds the seat was quite empty. Peteleaned back, grinning to himself as the angry rumble rose around himlike a wave. He was a Public Relations man to the core--but right now hewas off duty. He chuckled to himself, and the passengers avoided himlike the plague all the way to New Philly.

  But as he walked down the gangway to hail a cab, he wasn't smiling somuch. He was wondering just how high Tommy was hanging him, this time.

  * * * * *

  The lobby of the Public Relations Bureau was swarming like an upturnedanthill when Pete disembarked from the taxi. He could almost smell thedesperate tension of the place. He fought his way past scurrying clerksand preoccupied poll-takers toward the executive elevators in the rear.

  On the newly finished seventeenth floor, he found Tommy Heinz pacing thecorridor like an expectant young father. Tommy had lost weight sincePete had last seen him. His ruddy face was paler, his hair thin andragged as though chunks had been torn out from time to time. He saw Petestep off the elevator, and ran forward with open arms. "I thought you'dnever get here!" he groaned. "When you didn't call, I was afraid you'dlet me down."

  "Me?" said Pete. "I'd never let down a pal."

  The sarcasm didn't dent Tommy. He led Pete through the ante-room intothe plush director's office, bouncing about excitedly, his wordstumbling out like a waterfall. He looked as though one gentle shovemight send him yodeling down Market Street in his underdrawers. "Holdit," said Pete. "Relax, I'm not going to leave for a while yet. Yourgirl screamed something about a senator as we came in. Did you hearher?"

  Tommy gave a violent start. "Senator! Oh, dear." He flipped a deskswitch. "What senator is that?"

  "Senator Stokes," the girl said wearily. "He had an appointment. He'sready to have you fired."

  "All I need now is a senator," Tommy said. "What does he want?"

  "Guess," said the girl.

  "Oh. That's what I was afraid of. Can you keep him there?"

  "Don't worry about that," said the girl. "He's growing roots. They sweptaround him last night, and dusted him off this morning. His appointmentwas for _yesterday_, remember?"

  "Remember! Of course I remember. Senator Stokes--something about a riotin Boston." He started to flip the switch, then added, "See if you canget Charlie down here with his giz."

  He turned back to Pete with a frantic light in his eye. "Good old Pete.Just in time. Just. Eleventh-hour reprieve. Have a drink, have acigar--do you want my job? It's yours. Just speak up."

  "I fail to see," said Pete, "just why you had to drag me all the wayfrom L.A. to have a cigar. I've got work to do."

  "Selling movies, right?" said Tommy.

  "Check."

  "To people who don't want to buy them, right?"

  "In a manner of speaking," said Pete testily.

  "Exactly," said Tommy. "Considering some of the movies you've bee
nselling, you should be able to sell anything to anybody, any time, atany price."

  "Please. Movies are getting Better by the Day."

  "Yes, I know. And the Grdznth are getting worse by the hour. They'recoming through in battalions--a thousand a day! The more Grdznth comethrough, the more they act as though they own the place. Not nasty oranything--it's that infernal politeness that people hate most, I think.Can't get them mad, can't get them into a fight, but they do anythingthey please, and go anywhere